Ranting American

I hate Korea today. Today Korea wears the soulless face of the immigration office where I spent a stifling 2 hours, and another sweaty 2 trying to find it. And then, of course, I have to go back because I didn't have all the needed documents for my alien registration card. Today more than any other day, I feel like an alien. A foreigner with all the rights and privileges therein: the right to get lost, get confused, get disgruntled, get discouraged, get homesick for a life that is easier to navigate, and feel very, very lonely.

I splurged on a cab ride back home, and then splurged on a carb/fat/calorie bomb by going to Pizza Hut and eating a cheese-stuffed crust pizza (granted it was a child's size - I didn't go too nuts) and drinking two bottles of beer. I wanted the comfort of cheese and booze, and in my feeling-oh-so-sorry-for-myself state of mind, I also wanted to sit somewhere that reminded me of home. Even though at home I would never darken the door of a Pizza Hut because I think it's horrid, today it felt like a little slice of heaven, pun intended. Not to mention the fact that Pizza Hut here is an actual sit down restaurant with a higher grade of pizza, so it had an even more comforting effect than one back home would have.

But, even here amidst the familiarities of an American chain restaurant, I am clearly still in Korea. Only here do they sweeten the pizza dough with sugar, and put sweet potato mousse in the crust if you request it. And corn and potatoes are standard toppings. And Pizza Hut's showcase pizza right now has tomato sauce, mozzerella cheese, fried shrimp, and coconut flakes. One of my co-workers once ordered a pizza from a different establishment and they put blueberry jam on it. Korea does not understand pizza.

There have been many days where missing the people I love has felt like an actual physical pain, like someone is trying to pull my heart out of my ribcage with a string. There have been many days I have longed for the clothes and shoes I left at home since all of my belongings (including my wardrobe) had to be pared down to fit into 2 pieces of luggage, and no chance buying new things since shoes and clothes here are made for women who are 5'2" size 2. That hasn't been me since I was 7 years old. There have been many days I've wished something other than Korean Top 40 music - which is the most brain-grating uber cutesy gaggy synth pop I have ever heard - would assault my ears every place I go. But today was the first day I wanted to go home. Today I missed the United States, and as I've heard other ex-pats say, I felt a new longing for my country. Like an "I could kiss the ground at the feet of the State of Liberty" kind of feeling.

And I believe that on the other side of these feelings is a figurative shore I will one day reach. This is a storm tossed, topsy turvy, often a little yucky feeling position I'm in, but that is what I've realized in my life thus far is part of the experience of growing. Of stretching. It ain't all fun and games. I voluntarily put myself in this position because I knew I was stunted. Bored. Not growing. On the more peaceful figurative shore I hope to land on at the end of this year, I think I will know how to be more patient in hope even when it feels like my heart's being ripped out. I'll be a little less vain and materialistic, knowing I can go a year without needing my clothes to define me. I will be more tolerant of music that I can't stand... maybe. And I will never forget how important home is, not just for me, but for every human being alive. I hope I will have an open heart to others I meet who are aliens in strange places. When I was telling my friend about the deep loneliness that sets-in sometimes here, she told me that as a new mom whose husband was working a lot at the time, she was also feeling lonely and overwhelmed. "We all have our Koreas," she said. So true...

With two hours to kill staring at a wall at the immigration office, and at one of the worst passport-sized photos I've ever taken, looking wild-eyed and frightened (and why didn't I wear make-up today?) I couldn't help but get a little ponderous. My true home is a place I've never seen, but I know it in my heart. It's where my Father is and He's preparing a place there just for me. While I'm here in this body, on this shakey ground, He's the one who steadies me, who strengthens me, who blesses me, and who sometimes showers me with His love so profoundly that I almost can't stand it.

And I know that whether it's later tonight, or tomorrow, or next week, I will forgive Korea for her nastiness to me today. I'm already beginning to thaw a little.