I was just having a thoughtful hour or two, and was pondering what happened when I first *really* became a Christian, and what that has evolved into, for the good or the bad of it.
I was 21 years old, driving home after graduating from my senior year in college, having made a mess of my life in many varying ways, and I remember praying, "God, I've heard about you all my life. I don't know if you're real or not, but if you are, I need you to help me. I need you to please forgive me, and I need you to be real to me right now." And I remember, driving my friend Barby's truck, with all of my various and sundry belongings in the back, how overwhelmed I was immediately by His supernatural presence in the cab with me, and how absolutely and unmistakably real He was in that moment... It was a life-changing moment, almost impossible to describe. Like real arms were around me, and like love overflowing and huge beyond my ability to contain just flooded the cab in a second. I was overwhelmed and overcome. If you've ever experienced a moment with the God of creation, then you'll know that it is beyond words. It is real, and it has a lasting impact. That moment has defined my life since then. I gave my life to it, to the truth of it, to Him.
I remember the days and even months after that experience. My circumstances didn't change, but my view of the world and myself was changing drastically. I was a theater major and had decided to become an actress, and had spent years trying to "become" someone else, to escape myself, and had felt all the pleasure and the pain that comes from "losing yourself" in a character, or a lifestyle, all for the sake of art. And I remember saying to my mother one day shortly after the car ride with God, "A relationship with God is the only thing that makes us more like ourselves." I think I was trying to say, "God *really* knows me. And because he *really* knows me, I'm beginning to know myself." It was falling in love. I don't know any other words for it. I was in love with Him, and in love with His vision of me, a way I had never known myself to be. The world suddenly looked completely different through His eyes.
As an example of the extreme closeness I felt with hin, after college, I began working as a tutor at a business my mother owned while I "figured out" the next step (little did I know I'd be trying to figure out my next step well into my 30's) and she lost her keys. I remember praying with such childlike confidence, "God, you know where her keys are. Where are they?", and as crazy as it may sound, I heard the words in my heart, "They're behind the plant." So I said to my mother, "Look behind the plant," and, sure enough, she moved the potted plant and there they were. And I wasn't at all surprised. I knew that He knew where they were, and I knew He would tell me if He wanted to, and He did, and there they were.
The entire experience was so organic. I grew up in a Christian household and in Christian evangelical churches, but as a little actress I always knew what was expected of me, and none of it at the time seemed very organic or natural. I remember being very young, and in Texas, and having many people "lay hands on me" to receive the gift of tongues to speak in a spiritual different language, and having seen other people "receive" this gift many times before, I just faked it. I had no idea what it meant, and I had NO desire to speak in different tongue. I just wanted to be loved, and though it made absolutely no sense to me, I figured, "This is what they want, I'll give it to them," and it gave me a rush to perform. So they prayed for a while, and I determined, "Now is the time to 'receive' this gift," and I started muttering nonsense words that sounded like the words I'd heard other people speak. Everyone believed me, so I made some determinations of Christianity in my 8 year old mind in that moment.
Most of Christianity I viewed that way. The only exception was during worship, when the music was playing, and I was singing, and everyone else was singing, and all around me was beauty. THEN I believe I truly touched God, but it wasn't personal. It was a group dynamic thing, and it was never lasting. It was never "organic", and I never had any desire to pray or read the Bible. That was all empty to me, and lesss attractive than the real life and drama and beauty I craved. I have many memories of Christianity as a set of rules or bizarre expectations, far removed from the "real" cares and concerns of life. Most of the time all I ever heard was, "Don't drink, don't smoke, and don't have sex," and that if I obeyed all these rules, vigilantly denied all of these forbidden fruit, then I was a Good Christian (which, by the way I never aspired to be. The more I was told not to taste it, the more I wanted to.)
But that car ride was the real thing. For the first time in my life, that was me and God. Me, a genuine "sinner", with quite a few nasty things on my roster, and God, whoever He was, immediately covering me with the most beautiful peace, the most beautiful presence, the most beautiful promise of hope and future and contentment. I was immersed in His spectacular reality, and that reality was not the God of Rules of my childhood, the God of Strange Behavior that I had witnessed and pretended to experience... No, this was a God who saw me in all my frailty, in all my imperfectness, and loved me beyond the ability of any human being.
Again... you have to have experienced it to understand what I'm saying. And you can experience it. Even right now at this very moment. Ask Him, "Who are you? Are you real? Please be real to me," and He will. It's so amazing, but He wants to be a real, individual Person to all of us.
And this is what I've realized tonight that I keep losing sight of. The more you get wrapped up in a church, the more you get wrapped up in what is expected of you socially, the more you want to please others around you... Well, the more the "actress" pops up and starts performing and faking things, and the more the real, organic thing that actually happens with Christ starts to fade into the background. And this fake Christian thing is so far from what I want, and is not what EVER attracted me to Christ in the first place. The Christian thing is so often NOT Christ because I am a person, and the church is full of people, and people can never, ever be God. I can never love myself the way God can. I can never love another person the way God can. I can only sit in God's presence and experience the love He has for me to love myself. I can only hope to reflect this love to other people, so that they will then look up to the Source of that love in the first place. And, in the end, it's not about what anyone thinks of you, or even what you think of yourself - it's whether God had anything to do with it or not. And oftentimes, even in our best efforts, God was not even invited to the party.
And this is what turns people off about Christianity. I am a Christian, and in all honesty I can say to you now that this is what turns ME off about Christianity. It's what turns me off in myself. I turn Jesus Christ into a set of rules of social behavior... How absurd for the God of the Universe who became a man, who socialized with prostitutes and tax collectors, who was condemned by the church for being too "out there" - how absurd for me to make Him anything less than what He is. God, please forgive me.
And I don't condemn church. Oh, goodness, I love church. Here in Korea, I have found the most alive and vibrant and sweet and welcoming church I've found in ages. I honestly live for Sundays just to be with other Christians, to hear His word, to be in His presence. But I still see in myself the seed of trying to "pretend" with other Christians, and therefore to discredit the whole Christian life.... Yuck. I want to be real as He was real. As He is real with me. I want the church, globally, to be real as He is real. But, that has to start with me.
And that's getting back to my savior in the truck cab. That's the Jesus Christ I fell in love with. Literally fell in love. He's real, my friends. He's real. And if any person has ever made you feel otherwise, I would bypass the person, and go right to the Source. Ask Him if He's real, and see what He says. I have no doubt you'll be amazed at His response.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Gina and Mauri's Wedding
These are the long-awaited (at least in my mind) images from Mauri and Gina's wedding in January. Again, I ask the forgiveness of those who might actually care for the long time it's taken me to actually post them. Even now, I am irked that after several batches of pictures I've tried to upload, "Blogger" tells me "error" and sends me to some Internet Explorer link that tells me to check my computer... Please. It's not my computer, y'all. Anyhoo, this was an absolutely amazing experience, not only for me, but for many of Gina's friends who, though totally and irrevocably Korean, had never been to a "traditional" ceremony before.
The ceremony was held at a "traditional" place, which was actually quite new, but designed in the old style. It was in Ulsan, which is quite far south, and Gina is so amazing that she actually arranged for me to have a car ride out there with some other friends of hers that I'd never met. Even on the morning of her wedding, around 7am in the morning, she called me on my cell to make sure I was able to find her friends. (Their English was limited, but we were still able to converse for most of the 4 hour car ride. I will forever be in awe of Koreans who apologize for their "limited English", when I am the one who should be apologizing for my RIDICULOUSLY limited Korean!)
I have included captions on the pictures below, and they are only a limited snapshot of the whole experience. I will never forget the wedding FEAST, and can't even remember how many courses there were. I want to say 8. It was incredible. I will never forget the "after party" wherein we all sat on the floor of the honeymoon suite and ate dried octupus and drank Hite beer, and all reminisced about Gina and Mauri (but especially Gina) and how much we would miss them.
And, also, how different the etiquette is for weddings here. It is traditional for the wedding couple to pay for EVERYTHING, and I mean down to the last detail. At the "after party", the beer ran out quickly, so I suggested going down to the store to buy some more. Little did I know that that meant Gina would go to get more beer! It would have been considered rude for me to have gone and purchased it myself. It was apparently the bride or bridegroom's responsibility. And Gina did SOOO much work that day! Down to the very last detail, she was the one approving or disapproving, signing the check, etc. Plus she had the burden of wearing all of that crazy, heavy headgear. She kept saying how heavy it was, although she said it with a light heart. And somehow Mauri burned one of the legs of his outift (which was rented) so they would probably have to buy his pants... And neither were too happy about that.
Now that all is said and done, I can look back on this event that happened more than a month ago, and I can easily say that it was an incredible experience. I am grateful for it. I met Gina just a few months after she'd met Mauri, and I was one of the first people she told about their engagement. When I first arrived, his impending arrival seemed a million years away. And then suddently, there he was. I was so excited to meet him, and so excited for her... But I cannot tell you how much I miss that girl. The world here at DYB is not the same without her. MY world is not the same without her. She is a truly amazing person, who is now probably in India (if I correctly recall her timeline) visiting the charity there that her husband sponsers. Gina, if perchance you ever happen to read this blog, I miss you, my friend. I miss you terribly. You were my saving grace here in Korea. You were absolutely sent by God, to my incredible wonder and gratefulness. I hope I am able to see you again one day.
Here are Gina and Mauri in the midst of the ceremony. He is on one side, she is on the other. Throughout the ceremony (which I didn't understand a word of) I kept noticing Gina's Korean friends talking to each other with words of, "Oh, that's interesting!", and "That's what that means!" As I said, this was a new experience not just for me, but for many of Gina's friends, too. It was comforting to know that I was not the only one to be a first-timer at a Korean traditional ceremony.
Here is Gina on Mauri's back at the end of the ceremony. Since they're roughly the same size, this was kind of a joke for Gina, but obviously Mauri had no trouble carrying her down the aisle with ease.
I absolutely adore this picture of Gina, and though she doesn't know it, I showed this picture to many of her former students. Though she no longer teaches them, they're still my students, so I said that any of them who wished to see her wedding pics could come into my office. They came, and they saw, and they were likewise amazed at how she embodies something ancient and young and gorgeous. (Granted, she is alREADY gorgeous and young, but there's something about tradition...)
The ceremony was held at a "traditional" place, which was actually quite new, but designed in the old style. It was in Ulsan, which is quite far south, and Gina is so amazing that she actually arranged for me to have a car ride out there with some other friends of hers that I'd never met. Even on the morning of her wedding, around 7am in the morning, she called me on my cell to make sure I was able to find her friends. (Their English was limited, but we were still able to converse for most of the 4 hour car ride. I will forever be in awe of Koreans who apologize for their "limited English", when I am the one who should be apologizing for my RIDICULOUSLY limited Korean!)
I have included captions on the pictures below, and they are only a limited snapshot of the whole experience. I will never forget the wedding FEAST, and can't even remember how many courses there were. I want to say 8. It was incredible. I will never forget the "after party" wherein we all sat on the floor of the honeymoon suite and ate dried octupus and drank Hite beer, and all reminisced about Gina and Mauri (but especially Gina) and how much we would miss them.
And, also, how different the etiquette is for weddings here. It is traditional for the wedding couple to pay for EVERYTHING, and I mean down to the last detail. At the "after party", the beer ran out quickly, so I suggested going down to the store to buy some more. Little did I know that that meant Gina would go to get more beer! It would have been considered rude for me to have gone and purchased it myself. It was apparently the bride or bridegroom's responsibility. And Gina did SOOO much work that day! Down to the very last detail, she was the one approving or disapproving, signing the check, etc. Plus she had the burden of wearing all of that crazy, heavy headgear. She kept saying how heavy it was, although she said it with a light heart. And somehow Mauri burned one of the legs of his outift (which was rented) so they would probably have to buy his pants... And neither were too happy about that.
Now that all is said and done, I can look back on this event that happened more than a month ago, and I can easily say that it was an incredible experience. I am grateful for it. I met Gina just a few months after she'd met Mauri, and I was one of the first people she told about their engagement. When I first arrived, his impending arrival seemed a million years away. And then suddently, there he was. I was so excited to meet him, and so excited for her... But I cannot tell you how much I miss that girl. The world here at DYB is not the same without her. MY world is not the same without her. She is a truly amazing person, who is now probably in India (if I correctly recall her timeline) visiting the charity there that her husband sponsers. Gina, if perchance you ever happen to read this blog, I miss you, my friend. I miss you terribly. You were my saving grace here in Korea. You were absolutely sent by God, to my incredible wonder and gratefulness. I hope I am able to see you again one day.
Here are Gina and Mauri in the midst of the ceremony. He is on one side, she is on the other. Throughout the ceremony (which I didn't understand a word of) I kept noticing Gina's Korean friends talking to each other with words of, "Oh, that's interesting!", and "That's what that means!" As I said, this was a new experience not just for me, but for many of Gina's friends, too. It was comforting to know that I was not the only one to be a first-timer at a Korean traditional ceremony.
Here is Gina on Mauri's back at the end of the ceremony. Since they're roughly the same size, this was kind of a joke for Gina, but obviously Mauri had no trouble carrying her down the aisle with ease.
I absolutely adore this picture of Gina, and though she doesn't know it, I showed this picture to many of her former students. Though she no longer teaches them, they're still my students, so I said that any of them who wished to see her wedding pics could come into my office. They came, and they saw, and they were likewise amazed at how she embodies something ancient and young and gorgeous. (Granted, she is alREADY gorgeous and young, but there's something about tradition...)
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Saga of Winter Intensive Revealed
So, in Korea, there is a little something called "Winter Intensives" at every hogwan. There are also "Summer Intensives", but having already experienced that, I can say that summer was shorter (only 5 weeks) and far less...well... intense. Here was my teaching schedule:
8:00am to 2:30pm - 6 classes of 55 minute duration
4:00pm to 8:00pm - 4 classes of 55 minute duration
That's a 12 hour work day with 10 teaching hours. I will be quite frank with you and say that I have never been so exhausted in my life. Ten hours of lesson plans that are all conversationally based and structured like "performances", with ten completely different classes each day, seeing over 80 different students each day, lesson planning brand new material for all of them... It was harrowing. Even though we got Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays off, the tiredness has sort of stuck with me like a lingering virus. Also, since these are a precious few Saturdays to actually socialize, I've packed them full of doing just that. (More on that to come later.)
That was for the entire month of January, and now we have 2 weeks of my previous schedule (6 days a week, 6 teaching hours in the evenings) and then the last 2 weeks of February we resume the intensive schedule above, and then it's back to evenings again until I leave in June. All of that to say, I have been too tired to blog. I didn't really know that was possible, but putting some pics up on facebook and responding to a few emails now and then was about all I could muster. Most days I would just come home, eat, and flop into bed and enjoy the feeling of not standing. I would also lay there and ponder things like, "I'm too old for this..." So I apologize to the handful of people who may actually care what I write here (at least my parents?) for having been so negligent with my blog. I have thought of you, I really have...
Though I work at a very good company, and have incredible co-workers, the experience of winter here - complete with being cold all the time, working all through the holidays and the schedule mentioned above - have soured me a lot. I love my students, but now that this crazy time of year is winding down, I feel my motivation kind of winding down with it. I'm thinking more about what awaits me in the States when I go home in 4.5 months, thinking more about purpose, what really matters in life, all that stuff that swirls around in the head when you sense another change is coming. I love Korea, and I love so many people that I've met here, but I don't love the way Korean business treats its employees: like machines. And its children, for that matter. Little adorable studying machines.
I think I need a good dose of spring, and I'm very thankful that it's right around the corner. Winter blues are real, I've discovered, and it will be nice not to have to wear the entire contents of my closet when I want to go somewhere, and to see green things growing, and to just take a walk when I want to. I miss my walks.
Yes, my mood is a bit low today, and the tone is probably coming through. I will say, though, that God is good, and I am so thankful for the blessings He gives in everyday, not the least of which has been the strength to do this job well for the last few weeks. There were two morning when I was just so tired that I literally prayed through sobs, "God, I do not have the strength to do this, but your Word says that when I am weak, then your strength is revealed. I believe that promise is for me, and I ask you for the strength to not just survive this day, but to have a really GOOD day, and to be a really good teacher." And both of those days were really good days. I've been a Christian for many years now, but this is the first time I've really relied on God's strength in such a tangible way. It's exciting to see and experience that His promises are true for me. And for all of us.
Later in the week (hopefully tomorrow) I'll post some pictures of the things I've been doing, including Gina's wedding and my first flying lesson! But for now, time to get back to class. Please drop me a line anytime if you're out there and reading this! It's always good to hear from you.
8:00am to 2:30pm - 6 classes of 55 minute duration
4:00pm to 8:00pm - 4 classes of 55 minute duration
That's a 12 hour work day with 10 teaching hours. I will be quite frank with you and say that I have never been so exhausted in my life. Ten hours of lesson plans that are all conversationally based and structured like "performances", with ten completely different classes each day, seeing over 80 different students each day, lesson planning brand new material for all of them... It was harrowing. Even though we got Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays off, the tiredness has sort of stuck with me like a lingering virus. Also, since these are a precious few Saturdays to actually socialize, I've packed them full of doing just that. (More on that to come later.)
That was for the entire month of January, and now we have 2 weeks of my previous schedule (6 days a week, 6 teaching hours in the evenings) and then the last 2 weeks of February we resume the intensive schedule above, and then it's back to evenings again until I leave in June. All of that to say, I have been too tired to blog. I didn't really know that was possible, but putting some pics up on facebook and responding to a few emails now and then was about all I could muster. Most days I would just come home, eat, and flop into bed and enjoy the feeling of not standing. I would also lay there and ponder things like, "I'm too old for this..." So I apologize to the handful of people who may actually care what I write here (at least my parents?) for having been so negligent with my blog. I have thought of you, I really have...
Though I work at a very good company, and have incredible co-workers, the experience of winter here - complete with being cold all the time, working all through the holidays and the schedule mentioned above - have soured me a lot. I love my students, but now that this crazy time of year is winding down, I feel my motivation kind of winding down with it. I'm thinking more about what awaits me in the States when I go home in 4.5 months, thinking more about purpose, what really matters in life, all that stuff that swirls around in the head when you sense another change is coming. I love Korea, and I love so many people that I've met here, but I don't love the way Korean business treats its employees: like machines. And its children, for that matter. Little adorable studying machines.
I think I need a good dose of spring, and I'm very thankful that it's right around the corner. Winter blues are real, I've discovered, and it will be nice not to have to wear the entire contents of my closet when I want to go somewhere, and to see green things growing, and to just take a walk when I want to. I miss my walks.
Yes, my mood is a bit low today, and the tone is probably coming through. I will say, though, that God is good, and I am so thankful for the blessings He gives in everyday, not the least of which has been the strength to do this job well for the last few weeks. There were two morning when I was just so tired that I literally prayed through sobs, "God, I do not have the strength to do this, but your Word says that when I am weak, then your strength is revealed. I believe that promise is for me, and I ask you for the strength to not just survive this day, but to have a really GOOD day, and to be a really good teacher." And both of those days were really good days. I've been a Christian for many years now, but this is the first time I've really relied on God's strength in such a tangible way. It's exciting to see and experience that His promises are true for me. And for all of us.
Later in the week (hopefully tomorrow) I'll post some pictures of the things I've been doing, including Gina's wedding and my first flying lesson! But for now, time to get back to class. Please drop me a line anytime if you're out there and reading this! It's always good to hear from you.
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