Korea to America and Back Again

Today is my first day back in Korea after having gone to the States for Thanksgiving. I was home for 8 days, using all of my vacation time right at the 6-month mark of my 12 month contract. I am only a tiny bit jetlagged (well, so far!), and feel just contemplative enough to try and blog even through a foggy, sleep-deprived brain. I took my camera, but took not a single picture, in part because my camera is dying a slow death, but mostly because I was so concerned with being in each moment that I forgot to capture said moments on film.

Being home was wonderful, but not in the way I had expected. I don't really know what I expected, but I had envisioned everything in slow-motion and soft-focused, bathed in yellow light. I would well-up with tears thinking about hugging my parents, cutting into a turkey, spending time with my friends, even doing things like taking long bike rides on the beach with my mom (something we've always loved to do together), or shopping in stores where the clothes are long enough and the shoes are big enough, or getting a martini with my best friend and talking for hours. The actual experience of those things was not bathed in yellow light, of course, but was more real, and so then inherently better. I took those bike rides almost everyday. I had the martini (or 2 or 3), and I did a lot of hugging. I definitely went shopping. All of these things were wonderful and felt like they recharged my battery. One of my friends said to "soak up all of the love" when I was at home, and I feel like a sponge that did just that.

But, here's the most surprising thing, and something I hadn't expected: I have changed. Granted, I was only home for 8 days, but even in that time I realized and could sense and discern that I have grown. I think I was able to see this because I was back in the old environment, and the old environment beckoned me to respond with the same fears, the same anxieties, the same mindset that I have been running in like a looped tape going over and over again for the last couple of years. Leading nowhere. And I felt that anxiety try to grip me again while I was home, but it didn't have a hold on me. It doesn't have a hold on me anymore. I think being here, being alone, having to face things, having to find God in the frightening hours, realizing God rushes in like a tidal wave to cover me with his love and grace when I'm in need - this has changed me, refined me a little more, like the biblical metaphor of gold being refined by the fire. Korea has been a gentle fire, I know. I don't pretend to have experienced some of the true flames that others have. But in my own personal journey, this has been significant. Life-changing. I am less and less afraid everyday. I am more and more enamoured of God and less worried about myself. I am more excited and hopeful about the future. I have a song in my heart again. And I'm only half-way through!

The hardest part of being back again will be the lonely hours - I'm not in a house full of people anymore with friends to see in the evening. I'm alone during the day and I work at night. It's a different kind of life. But I have songs to write still, and am learning to appreciate the stillness and the quiet. Maybe it has to do with being comfortable with myself? I don't know...

I realize now it's taking me much longer to write than normal. My brain is a cloudy, messy place, so I should probably retire this entry. More later on what's going on here in Suwon, not just in my head.