Nearing the end...

I now officially have 6 weeks and 2 days left in this wonderful country of South Korea. It is a very strange and complicated state I am in emotionally and mentallly. On one hand, going back to the States is exciting and full of promise, the emotion-laden and tear-filled reunion with family and friends already warmly expected in my heart, the promise of living another glorious summer by the beach, instead of in the oppressive and damp Korean heat, the beautiful thought of not working 6 days a week, but taking a much-deserved "time out" to enjoy all that I've "missed" while being away from what is comfortable and familiar... All of these things and more I am and have been awaiting for some time now.

On the other hand, there is everything that I leave - the friends that I've made here, the peaceful culture I've come to embrace, the hours of solitude that have been at times frightening, but once the fear passed, have been the hours I've best come to know myself and my God, the moment-by-moment sensory overload of living in a new place (such a beautiful pendulum swing from some of the monotonous "tape loop" of life that I had been stuck in before coming here), the vulnerability and then the new courage I've discovered in myself through this experience... It's all so difficult to put into words... I wonder sometimes if there is an Old Vanessa and a New Vanessa, and if the Old Vanessa awaits me back home, and the New Vanessa stays here, or if bringing the New Vanessa back into Old Vanessa's haunts will be a somewhat catastrophic experience. Or if may be a wholly cathartic one. I have no clue.

Here's what I don't want: The Same Old Thing. And I can't help but realize that whether any of us is in another country, another job, another relationship, another state of mind, this is probably true for all of us. The heart cries out to move forward, not to relive the past. I didn't come to Korea to escape anything, but now that I've been here for almost a year, I realize that subconsciously I needed a new mind. So many times here I have been hit with the verse from the Bible, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." God has been renewing my mind, and I believe I am being transformed. This is central to the message of Christianity, that we are ALWAYS being made new, we are ALWAYS moving from glory to glory, and I think for some of us (like me) that transformation of the mind requires a bit more jostling than other people. Some of us need a thunderbolt like another country to learn to hear God's voice better. I think by coming here, I was heeding His call, even though at the time I made the decision to come, I couldn't tell you exactly why I was doing it. I just knew that I needed to.

I have been repeating so often in the last few months, "Life is so weird." I can't help but shake my head and laugh. It really is. I think Korea has helped me to chill out. Helped me to realize there is so little that I can control, and once over the panic of that realization, there is a peace that has come to seep in slowly but surely, and now I'm learning to live in it. There is great peace in realizing that life is weird, and unpredictable, and that the world is vast, and there is more to it than I can ever fully wrap my brain around, and that today, and yesterday, and for all eternity, God has His plan, and I am living my part of it.

Oh, it's so difficult to put into words... In short, I am thankful, so deeply thankful for this time. I am thankful for the struggles I have had here, because they've broken chains. I am thankful for the beauty and the warmth I have experienced here, because they've shown me the depth of the human heart. I am thankful for having been removed from every former comfort, because it has shown me how to find my comfort in God, and proven true words in scripture that were hollow or mysterious to me before. I am thankful that God has answered my prayer to reignite my love for songwriting - something which had been dead for a few years. I am even thankful that I haven't dated anyone for a year, because I think that may have been a distraction from a deeper work in me.

I am thankful for you, Korea. I vow to spend this next 6 weeks appreciating you, and know that I have no desire to run away from you. I truly love you. Who knows, I may even return to you... But definitely with a different job!

And, America, I have been forewarned about the changes in you, but I'm pretty sure you're still home. And though we've been estranged for some time now, I hope you'll still have me and make a place for me. If nothing else, you have a lot of people whom I really love. And, of course, you have a lot of sorely missed fish tacos. So I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.