Christmas: In Hindsight

Well, my Christmas was sub-par to say the least. I guess I should have expected the "holiday blues" to kick in, but I really wasn't prepared for it. Once Christmas Eve rolled around, and I was sitting in a training session for 3 hours before working into the night, I realized, "This pretty much sucks." Then rolling out of bed on Christmas morning exhausted and heading off to teach again was also less-than-joyful. Though I was able to catch the afterglow of my friend's Christmas party, I was very tired and needed to head home early to sleep before waking early to catch the skype call with my family before work. That was indeed the best part of the holiday. My whole family gathered around the computer and opening the presents I'd sent them, and watching me open the presents they'd sent me. I realized yet again how blessed I am to have such an amazing family, who would organize their whole day to spend some precious time with me. I am very, very thankful for that.

I am also thankful to my new friend Chohee who I met in my yoga class, and who left a present for me with my doorman which I opened a few days after Christmas. In it, with the very sweet present she'd bought, she had enclosed 4 cards which she had lovingly decorated. One of them had the verse, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." (Jeremiah 83:3) She had no idea how grounded in all the workaday blah-blah stuff I had been feeling, how lonely, how unmysterious and grey everything had been seeming. She reminded me to look up - life is about more than what we see. Sometimes it's about more than what we experience. God was calling me through that blessed little card to be absorbed in him for a while and listen for the "great and unsearchable" things. He has been reminding me that he's leading me, he is always there, and that there are blessings to be experienced everywhere - sometimes we just need to open different eyes to see them.

And in the end, Christmas is not about gifts, or even about being with loved ones (although those things are extraordinarily good), but it's really about remembering what we have in Christ Jesus and his death and resurrection. When we belive in him, we have new life. We have the same spirit living in us that raised Christ from the dead. We have strength even in our weakness. We have love when we feel loveless, hope when all seems hopeless. We have the only perfect parent, the one who promises, "I will never leave you nor forsake you," and who promises, "I am with you always until the end of the age." Another of Chohee's cards said, "He is always with you, everytime, everywhere." It's not grammatically perfect, but the sentiment is so true. He is. He truly is. And once over the hump of grumpiness and self-pity, I am very grateful for this.

Now to see how grateful and unself-pitying I can be when working 14 hours on New Year's Eve, and all day New Year's Day. To see how open my eyes are to his blessings... I am trying... I really am.

Academy Christmas "Party"

So, this last Saturday the 19th, we were all invited to our business-wide academy Christmas celebration. Actually, I think it may have even been called "Year End" or "Holiday" party, but you get the idea. We work until 8pm on Saturdays at my branch, and the party started at 10pm in Seoul. This was no party, folks. Here's what happened.

We walked in a bit late, since our trek was about an hour and a half, and we didn't get away from Suwon until nearly 9pm. I had heard a rumor in the office that maybe they would be serving steak for dinner. I delayed dinner in anticipation, as many others did, only to find a white paper bag thrust into my hands as we arrived at the movie theater which had been rented out for our "celebration". Once we got our shivering bodies inside (it's deathly cold here right now) and situated in the front row preserved for the tardy folks, we realized the audience was in the midst of watching a movie called, "Black", which is basically "The Miracle Worker" but set in India. As I opened my white paper bag and began discovering the contents - a strange and unappetizing sandwich, a can of Coke, and a package of little bean paste cookies - I realized that our movie was only about 15% English, and the subtitles were in Korean, and I was definitely not getting steak for dinner.

Once the movie was over at around midnight, that's when the performance part of the evening began. (2 minute video of the "highlights" included below.) At this point I was already exhausted and ready for bed. There were some English skits by foreign teachers, as well as Korean skits by native teachers, and some seriously good break dancing by a professional group. That all lasted about 90 minutes. Then at around 1:30am Mr. Song, the DYB founder, took the stage and began to speak about many things, and hand out many awards, all in Korean, and it was about this time that I began to wonder, "Will this ever end?" I am very grateful that it did finally end at 3am. At this point all I could think about was never sitting in a movie theater seat again, and getting home to my bed asap. To my surprise, there were huge DYB buses stationed outside the theater to swoop everyone to the party. At 3am. Everyone was going to be shuttled off to drink soju at some place the company had rented, and most of my co-workers were suddenly full of vim and vigor, ready to party. I couldn't believe it. I was so totally spent, fried, and my much more hardy Korean friends looked and acted fresh and rosy-cheeked and excited. Luckily, I found two teachers who were more interested in going home, and I was able to get a ride back to Suwon. I think I finally fell asleep around six.

I have had three nights out with Korean co-workers since I've been here that lasted until around 7am, but all of those times we were having fun. In fact, every night of my life that I've managed to stay up until the sun rose have been so delightful that sleep would be anticlimactic. This is the first time that I've been forced to stay up so late and got absolutely no enjoyment out of it. It was a little depressing.

In fact, it was the beginning of another little downward spiral for me. It was a yucky way to start the holiday week. Talk about anticlimactic... We have a meeting the morning of Christmas Eve, then work that night, then work Christmas morning and the morning the following day. I realize that I'm not in a Western country, and I need to respect the way things work here, and I don't mean Korea any disrespect, but I wish I could join my friends here for Christmas. If you could indulge my self-pity here for a moment, I am the only foreigner I know who is working on that day. In fact, there are very few Koreans I know - outside of my company - who are working on that day.

But, alas... C'est la vie. I will survive. And, hey, at least I now have an interesting story about a work meeting that lasted until 3am.

Song of Hope

I've been the songbird of solitude and I've learned to be lost and alone.

Learned to sing solemn and frightened tunes, they were all this girl had ever known.

Oh, but there beneath the noise of fear there's a melody I hear.

I let go of the sad songs 'cause I'm learning a new one.

It sounds like, "Hallelujah". A song of hope.

I've been afraid I've been terrified and it's been my song for many years.

Lifted so many prayers to the sky and sleepless nights wondering who hears.

Oh, but there beneath the noise of doubt there's a voice that's singing out.

I let go of the sad songs 'cause I'm learning a new one.

It sounds like, "Hallelujah". A song of hope.

There's a new song in my heart - I could sing it all day.

There's a new song in my heart - and everything's changed.

I let go... I let go... I let go.

Live Octupus

I bought a camera today, (it took me all of about 12 hours after getting paid to realize the necessary expense, and also to get excited about buying a new gadget. fyi, it's pink) and good thing, too, because today we ate live octupus! I have heard about this since even before I came here, and Gina and I decided it was a "now or never" situation since she's leaving so soon. You can see Ana, Kyung-hee and me in the cab on the way there, and then the bountiful harvest of sashimi, broiled fish, aforementioned octupus, oysters (though Gina said they're not technically oysters, but "oyster's cousin") and all the various accompanying side dishes. We also had a 3rd course of spicy fish soup, but that isn't in the picture. I've included video of the little squirmy guys below.

My take on the octupus was that it tastes a lot like octupus they serve at sushi restaurants, which I believe is boiled. The only real difference in taste was they were a bit more chewy, and a bit slimy. I've always loved octupus sashimi. Of course, beyond taste, was the experience of eating something that is still moving in your mouth and that must be chewed many times to completely "die". If you don't chew it enough, it can still be moving when you swallow it, so hearty chewing is recommended. The most interesting thing about it was the sensation of their little suckers actually sucking at my tongue and the inside of my cheek. The bigger the section you eat, the more powerfully they can "adhere" to you. When taking them off of the bowl, sometimes you literally have to pull at them, because they're sticking very powerfully to the bowl and/or each other, and of course wiggling around almost violently. Good times, people. Honestly, I think that my favorite thing about Korea is that there are so many new things to eat. Please enjoy the video of their hacked off wriggling little tentacles.

Christmas Preamble

Well, it's Christmastime here in Korea, and you can see my humble little tree. Around it are some presents which my mother lovingly wrapped for me to take back with me after my Thanksgiving visit, and to open at some point with them during a skype video call. (If I ever run into those European tech-angels who invented skype, I shall kiss them squarely upon the lips as an earnest, "thank you".) I took this pic with my US cell phone since, sadly, my camera took the last breath in its slow death. Since that time, there have been several events I've wanted evidence of in pictorial form, but, alas, had to deal with the harsh reality. I'm hoping to buy a new one soon, and promise to take some better pics of the holiday happenings here.

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Not surprising, but Christmas in Korea is very different from a Western Christmas. First of all, my academy is open. Yes, I will be working on Christmas eve until 11pm, and then on Christmas morning starting at 9am and going until 3pm. This, obviously, seems strange to a Westerner like me, because I work with children, and if I have to be there, it means the kids have to be there, too. But from what I understand, Christmas here is less about the kids, and more about a romantic day off for couples. It is a national holiday, so all public schools and most businesses are closed, but instead of gathering as a family and watching kids open presents, it's a day for couples to go out and about flaunting their togetherness, whilst single people stay home out of the shame of being seen alone. One of my Korean co-workers who is single told me she's glad to be working that day so she doesn't have to be reminded all day of her relationship status. Also, New Year is a more important holiday here than Christmas. Most of the seemingly Christmas-like decorations say "Happy New Year" instead of "Merry Christmas". On that day, children get money (the older they are, the more they receive) and it's considered more of a celebratory family day. Christmas, like Halloween, is a Western event, and so some Koreans get more into it than others, but it definitely is not the tradition that it is at home. Although this doesn't explain why we're also working New Year's Eve and New Year's Day... but I have given up always trying to understand everything that happens here. Sometimes you just throw up your hands and say, "It's Korea." I will reiterate that English academies are big business here, and the more days one stays open, the more money there is to be made. Even if only 25% of the students come, it's apparently still worth the expense.

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I will miss being home for Christmas - I have never been away from my family for this holiday - but I don't feel any lack of love or "togetherness". So many of us are in the same situation, and there's a lot of comraderie in that, and solidarity, and it helps me to keep my sense of humor about things.

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I will be interested in reporting what goes on at our DYB Christmas party, which will be held on a Saturday night starting at 10pm (since we all work late on that Saturday) and will go until who-knows-what-hour. I will like to see how this big company fetes us, and I've heard these parties have been pretty rowdy in the past. I also haven't observed too much of the dynamic of the hierarchy of Asian business professionals, and I know there are some customary things I need to "brush up" on so that I won't offend anyone in a higher position than me, or who is my elder.

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Gina leaves me in only a matter of weeks. Life here will be very different without her. It makes me teary-eyed to think about it. She and Mauri will be taking off for their honeymoon in Thailand in mid-January, and then visiting his charitable organization in India, and then to Italy. I hope to visit her there when my contract expires this summer. I will miss her more than I can say. It makes me well-up just thinking about it, though I'm so happy for her. Ana, another dear friend with whom I've had a weekly bible study in my room for the past few months, will also be leaving at the end of the month to go study in Seoul and pursue her dream of perfecting her English and moving on to bigger and better things. It will be a month of good-byes, and of changes, but there's also a lot of celebrating to do.

Korea to America and Back Again

Today is my first day back in Korea after having gone to the States for Thanksgiving. I was home for 8 days, using all of my vacation time right at the 6-month mark of my 12 month contract. I am only a tiny bit jetlagged (well, so far!), and feel just contemplative enough to try and blog even through a foggy, sleep-deprived brain. I took my camera, but took not a single picture, in part because my camera is dying a slow death, but mostly because I was so concerned with being in each moment that I forgot to capture said moments on film.

Being home was wonderful, but not in the way I had expected. I don't really know what I expected, but I had envisioned everything in slow-motion and soft-focused, bathed in yellow light. I would well-up with tears thinking about hugging my parents, cutting into a turkey, spending time with my friends, even doing things like taking long bike rides on the beach with my mom (something we've always loved to do together), or shopping in stores where the clothes are long enough and the shoes are big enough, or getting a martini with my best friend and talking for hours. The actual experience of those things was not bathed in yellow light, of course, but was more real, and so then inherently better. I took those bike rides almost everyday. I had the martini (or 2 or 3), and I did a lot of hugging. I definitely went shopping. All of these things were wonderful and felt like they recharged my battery. One of my friends said to "soak up all of the love" when I was at home, and I feel like a sponge that did just that.

But, here's the most surprising thing, and something I hadn't expected: I have changed. Granted, I was only home for 8 days, but even in that time I realized and could sense and discern that I have grown. I think I was able to see this because I was back in the old environment, and the old environment beckoned me to respond with the same fears, the same anxieties, the same mindset that I have been running in like a looped tape going over and over again for the last couple of years. Leading nowhere. And I felt that anxiety try to grip me again while I was home, but it didn't have a hold on me. It doesn't have a hold on me anymore. I think being here, being alone, having to face things, having to find God in the frightening hours, realizing God rushes in like a tidal wave to cover me with his love and grace when I'm in need - this has changed me, refined me a little more, like the biblical metaphor of gold being refined by the fire. Korea has been a gentle fire, I know. I don't pretend to have experienced some of the true flames that others have. But in my own personal journey, this has been significant. Life-changing. I am less and less afraid everyday. I am more and more enamoured of God and less worried about myself. I am more excited and hopeful about the future. I have a song in my heart again. And I'm only half-way through!

The hardest part of being back again will be the lonely hours - I'm not in a house full of people anymore with friends to see in the evening. I'm alone during the day and I work at night. It's a different kind of life. But I have songs to write still, and am learning to appreciate the stillness and the quiet. Maybe it has to do with being comfortable with myself? I don't know...

I realize now it's taking me much longer to write than normal. My brain is a cloudy, messy place, so I should probably retire this entry. More later on what's going on here in Suwon, not just in my head.

The Happenings in November

First off, let's discuss the celebrations that have come with the fall and those first oh-so-chilly, I-am-from-California-and-can-barely-handle-it first touches of winter. My beloved friend Gina's Italian fiance finally arrived here in Korea. They had been in the throes of a cross-continental romance for the last few months, and now have finally experienced the joys of being together again. This was their "engagement party", though they've actually been engaged for months. But, this was our first chance to celebrate with and meet Mauricio, the man whom we have all heard so much about. He made us pasta (with real Italian parmigiano reggiano that he hand-carried in a huge block from Italia!), kimchi omelettes, we had wine, and all of it was on the roof of our building. It was, um... chilly to say the least, but we were warmed by the food and by the good company. And we were all definitely being a bit hammy for the cameras. All of these lovely ladies are my co-workers, several of whom I have grown very close to; closer than I ever expected I would in such a short period of time, and with so many cultural differences, but as cheesy as it sounds, it is so true that ultimately, we're all the same human material with the same struggles and the same joys.

Then, there is darling Pamela's birthday... Oh, what would I do here without Pamela? I can only say that the first day I went to my church, I met this woman, and we both realized we were meant to be bff's. So, like, we're totally bff's. She is a pillar of strength, a hoot, a riot, genuine and kind, intelligent and wickedly talented. She has been a light to me in some dark times I've experienced here, and is a light to everyone who knows her... I'm just blessed to be one of them. And here we are at an Indian food restaurant celebrating that she's now as old as I am (poor thing...), and I learned that Korea has the best Indian food I have ever tasted, and probably the most expensive, and it happened to be served in what looked like Pamela's grandmother's basement. Granted, the ambience wasn't all I'd hoped for (or all the website said it would be) but the 15 or so of us enjoyed the experience nonetheless.

And, finally, below you'll see my little people. I actually teach in about 15 different classrooms every week, so some kids I don't see as often as others, but I've endeavored to take some pics of the kids I am especially fond of, though I love them all. I say "endeavored" because many of the children here just don't want their pictures taken, especially the girls. It was driving my crazy. They're so demonstrative with me during class, and then as soon as I pull out the camera, they cover their faces and are absolutely determined to prevent me from my goal. Argh... But, some of the children obliged, and thankfully they are some of the faces I'm going to want to remember forever.

Song: Never Alone

NEVER ALONE

I am walking by myself through town. It is autumn and the leaves are brown.

The sky is covered up by clouds. It's quite a chilly day.

In this lonely season of my life when there is no one walking by my side

I am talking to you and I find you hear each word I say.

And I will never be alone again

And I see now that I never was.

You have always been my closest friend

We have never been apart.

Though I am so far from home you've been

living here within my heart.

I know it's true, my home's with you and I will never be alone.

It's beautiful the way you speak to me and I can't believe how close you seem.

Amazing how someone I cannot see could be with me like this.

And I will never be alone again

And I see now that I never was.

You have always been my closest friend

We have never been apart.

Though I am so far from home you've been

living here within my heart.

I know it's true, my home's with you and I will never be alone.

Though there are lonely hours, and always will be

I know you will be there with me not just now but for all eternity.

Song: Once and For All

ONCE AND FOR ALL

I have fallen down, I am on the ground.

I have made a mess of things.

Took my eyes off you, I guess my heart moved, too.

And it happened so quickly.

Once again so faithless but you're still faithful to me.

I am forgiven once and for all.

I am not doomed to stay down when I fall.

Though I am human and I'll make mistakes

I am made blameless by your perfect grace once and for all.

In this morning hour I can feel your power

and with my arms lifted up

Here there is no shame and there is no fear

there is only grateful love.

I am forgiven once and for all.

I am not doomed to stay down when I fall.

Though I am guilty you do not judge

All debts are paid by what Jesus has done once and for all.

Once and for all. Once and for all. Once and for all.

I am forgiven once and for all

I am not doomed to stay down when I fall

Though I am human and I'll make mistakes

I am made blameless by your perfect grace once and for all.

A New Song

Just thought I might share a song with you. I am a songwriter (maybe not for the great wealth that I'll profit from it, but just because it's my favorite thing to do in the world) and after having come here and shaking up my whole life and mind and everything having to do with general stability, I haven't written much. But, thankfully, what I've prayed for seems to have come to pass, or at least the seeds are budding. I want to write again, and so I thought for those of you who were interested I'd share the first work I've finished here in Korea (actually there was one other, but I didn't like it enough, so it's in the graveyard.) I'm trying to articulate all that God is teaching me, and this song in particular is very personal to me. The lyrics, particularly the chorus, have been formulated during long walks and jogs where I tried to get away and be alone with God to understand what is so limited in me, only to discover what is so profound in Him. Only now am I really beginning to understand grace. There are very concrete instances in my life where I've been a recipient of this grace, and I think maybe it's only in midst of the reception of what one doesn't deserve, that the lightbulbs go on and in tears and profound gratitude one says, "Thank you. Thank you. What can I do to celebrate this love and this grace? "And this song doesn't do it any justice, but it's at least my attempt, and part of my journey here.

Sorry that the sound peaks during the loud parts. I am tempted to blame it on the microphone, but I think it's really due to my general loudness... I am a loud girl. Those of you who know me well are not shocked by this "confession".

Seasons

Fall is truly a remarkable time of the year. Right after the crushing heat of summer, there is suddenly this freshness in the air, the skies are blue and scrubbed-clean, and some ancient longing awakens in our hearts and floats to the surface. I guess is has something to do with new beginnings. Being a Californian, I think I appreciate the experience of these drastic seasonal changes all the more because we don't have them. We have one season, summer, with only mild variations on the theme, "Sunny and warm." I am excited to know that in the coming weeks the leaves will change colors and fall from the trees, and then soon the freshness will turn to a more bitter cold and then there will be snow outside. Snow.... And I won't have to travel up a mountain to see it. It will be outside my window and stuck to my boots. We'll see how much I'm romanticizing it come February when I'm longing for the warmth of spring, but for now, it's all a black and white film and I'm moving through the streets in slow motion, smiling at the snowflakes.

So on the subject of new beginnings, I am in love with Korea again. I don't know exactly what happened, but I've been told that around the 3 month mark, people who've relocated to Korea have a tendency to get depressed. And that's exactly what happened to me. On the day I wrote my last entry here, I entered a downward spiral that lasted for about 3 weeks. It was pretty dark. I know I didn't come to Korea to "run away" from anything in my life, but at the same time, I still had to reawaken to myself, to look at some things in myself that I either didn't want to see or had buried for a while. Without getting too deeply into it, I think the initial distraction of being in a new country lasted for about 3 to 4 months, and then I had the same anxieties, frustrations, hopes and fears staring me in the face that I did before I left, only they were compounded by the loss of all prior comforts. The miraculous thing is that on the other side of the yucky depression is the beginnings of peace. I am excited for the opportunities God is giving me here at my church, with music and performing, and how He's opening my heart and mind again to being creative (something that has been stifled in me for a while). I have wonderful friends here, and I am learning to see all the free time I have during the weekdays as an exciting opportunity to write, to read, to take long walks and watch the leaves change colors, to sing songs, or to just be.

I just finished reading "The Wounded Healer" by Henri J.M. Nouwen, a writer I've heard so much about from friends though this is the first book I've read. He says this about loneliness:

"But the more I think about loneliness, the more I think that the wound of loneliness is like the Grand Canyon - a deep incision in the surface of our existence which has become an inexhaustible source of beauty and self-understanding.... When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel, too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations. We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge - that no love or friendship, no intimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune or collective, nor man or woman, will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition."

I believe this with all of my heart. And it is knowing this that brings peace: That loneliness will befall me always, that on this earth there is no heaven, only heavenly moments, and I walk now with the One I will see one day with my own eyes and experience all fullness of joy with, but now I only have moments of fullness and I see through a glass darkly. And that's okay. It's part of life. And one of the things I'm learning is that having a dark emotion or an ugly or bored feeling does not need to be "fixed". Sometimes it needs to be felt and understood, sometimes it needs to be told to "shut-up". Sometimes it just needs to be acknowledged.

This is not depressing. In fact, it's profoundly liberating. I am an American, and we are very much an instant gratification people, and that is deeply rooted in me. I think it is also one of the greatest causes of my anxiety as an adult, not only being impatient with dreams and hopes I've had for my life that are as yet unfulfilled, but more than anything being so impatient with myself. Feeling lonely doesn't mean I'm like a toy that's broken. Not being in the position or place in life I dreamt I would be by 33 years old doesn't mean I'm hopeless. It means I'm taking steps towards patience, steps towards discovering some of the mysteries God would whisper to me in the silence and the stillness of that Grand Canyon. And I'm feeling less and less afraid to do that now.

I have no photos for you in this entry, but would love to tell you a little bit about Cheusok, which is basically Korean Thanksgiving. It occurs I believe on the first full moon which commences the rice harvest, and that was this past weekend, October 3rd. On this day, families typically go to the father's parents' house, and the daughter-in-law does all of the cooking. This is common in Korea that the daughter-in-law is almost like a servant to her mother-in-law, and if her mother-in-law is not a very gracious or kind woman, her life can be quite hellish. The family will either go to their ancestor's graves, or the Buddhist temple, or simply honor them from home. In the "honoring", the families give all the food and drink that's been made as an "offering of thanks" to their ancestors for what they've received. Then the family eats the food after prayer.

This holiday is more important than even Christmas, so we got a blessed Friday and Saturday off from work and I took full advantage! On Friday, I went shopping with some girlfriends from church into Seoul where I discovered I can find things in my size! Well, at least shirts and skirts, but pants will never be long enough and shoes will never be big enough. But I was thrilled to buy 4 new shirts for the changing weather since I only have summer clothes and since I haven't bought ANYTHING to wear in 4 months. This is a world record for me. I felt like a princess. But there was a Gap, a Zara, Forever 21, and a couple of new-to-me European and Japanese clothing stores that had great stuff in them. Glad I don't live too close to Seoul or I might spend all my money instead of saving it! Then on Saturday we took a long bike ride to Seoul and back along the riverbed. It was an absolutely gorgeous day - I mean, perfect - and we had really good pasta in Seoul before turning back around. The ride was about 50 kilometers and took most of the afternoon. Then on Sunday I was able to play guitar and sing again during worship at my church. I am so thankful to be on a worship team again, particularly at this church, and feel more alive doing that than doing anything else on earth. I am so thankful...

Ranting American

I hate Korea today. Today Korea wears the soulless face of the immigration office where I spent a stifling 2 hours, and another sweaty 2 trying to find it. And then, of course, I have to go back because I didn't have all the needed documents for my alien registration card. Today more than any other day, I feel like an alien. A foreigner with all the rights and privileges therein: the right to get lost, get confused, get disgruntled, get discouraged, get homesick for a life that is easier to navigate, and feel very, very lonely.

I splurged on a cab ride back home, and then splurged on a carb/fat/calorie bomb by going to Pizza Hut and eating a cheese-stuffed crust pizza (granted it was a child's size - I didn't go too nuts) and drinking two bottles of beer. I wanted the comfort of cheese and booze, and in my feeling-oh-so-sorry-for-myself state of mind, I also wanted to sit somewhere that reminded me of home. Even though at home I would never darken the door of a Pizza Hut because I think it's horrid, today it felt like a little slice of heaven, pun intended. Not to mention the fact that Pizza Hut here is an actual sit down restaurant with a higher grade of pizza, so it had an even more comforting effect than one back home would have.

But, even here amidst the familiarities of an American chain restaurant, I am clearly still in Korea. Only here do they sweeten the pizza dough with sugar, and put sweet potato mousse in the crust if you request it. And corn and potatoes are standard toppings. And Pizza Hut's showcase pizza right now has tomato sauce, mozzerella cheese, fried shrimp, and coconut flakes. One of my co-workers once ordered a pizza from a different establishment and they put blueberry jam on it. Korea does not understand pizza.

There have been many days where missing the people I love has felt like an actual physical pain, like someone is trying to pull my heart out of my ribcage with a string. There have been many days I have longed for the clothes and shoes I left at home since all of my belongings (including my wardrobe) had to be pared down to fit into 2 pieces of luggage, and no chance buying new things since shoes and clothes here are made for women who are 5'2" size 2. That hasn't been me since I was 7 years old. There have been many days I've wished something other than Korean Top 40 music - which is the most brain-grating uber cutesy gaggy synth pop I have ever heard - would assault my ears every place I go. But today was the first day I wanted to go home. Today I missed the United States, and as I've heard other ex-pats say, I felt a new longing for my country. Like an "I could kiss the ground at the feet of the State of Liberty" kind of feeling.

And I believe that on the other side of these feelings is a figurative shore I will one day reach. This is a storm tossed, topsy turvy, often a little yucky feeling position I'm in, but that is what I've realized in my life thus far is part of the experience of growing. Of stretching. It ain't all fun and games. I voluntarily put myself in this position because I knew I was stunted. Bored. Not growing. On the more peaceful figurative shore I hope to land on at the end of this year, I think I will know how to be more patient in hope even when it feels like my heart's being ripped out. I'll be a little less vain and materialistic, knowing I can go a year without needing my clothes to define me. I will be more tolerant of music that I can't stand... maybe. And I will never forget how important home is, not just for me, but for every human being alive. I hope I will have an open heart to others I meet who are aliens in strange places. When I was telling my friend about the deep loneliness that sets-in sometimes here, she told me that as a new mom whose husband was working a lot at the time, she was also feeling lonely and overwhelmed. "We all have our Koreas," she said. So true...

With two hours to kill staring at a wall at the immigration office, and at one of the worst passport-sized photos I've ever taken, looking wild-eyed and frightened (and why didn't I wear make-up today?) I couldn't help but get a little ponderous. My true home is a place I've never seen, but I know it in my heart. It's where my Father is and He's preparing a place there just for me. While I'm here in this body, on this shakey ground, He's the one who steadies me, who strengthens me, who blesses me, and who sometimes showers me with His love so profoundly that I almost can't stand it.

And I know that whether it's later tonight, or tomorrow, or next week, I will forgive Korea for her nastiness to me today. I'm already beginning to thaw a little.

These are some photos of a ceremonial "changing of the guards" type of production. Gina and I happened upon this while looking for the Seoul Museum of Art to catch the Renoir exhibit. We work every afternoon 6 days a week, so to do anything outside of our little city takes quite a bit of effort and planning, and usually involves some sacrifice of sleep. On this particular day, we decided to go to Seoul on Friday, which meant we had to leave here at 8am (it's about an hour and a half of bus and subway to get to the museum) and we barely made it back in time for work, but it was absolutely worth it. I mean, come on, it's Renoir! It was a pretty stunning collection, too, and though I don't pretend to know anything about art, I was moved to tears by some of his paintings. He was described as the "painter of joy" in our leaflets, and after having seen his work in person, I understand why. The paint actually glowed sometimes, and I wondered how it was possible that a woman's gold bracelet could actually have the tangible shimmer of gold, and how sometimes a woman's skin could be as luminous as what I can only imagine an angel's would be. Gina, who was able to hear the only-in-Korean headphone tour, said Renoir used something in his paints to achieve this effect, but I still believe it had something more to do with a God-given ability to capture innocence and beauty.

We also ate budae-jiggae, which I had heard about but had never tried. I should have taken a picture of it, but I was too hungry in the moment to think of capturing it. It's a strange mixture of ramen noodles, dokh (delicious pasta-like rice dough, sort of like fat penne) spam, sausage, macaroni noodles... pretty much anything you can think to throw in a pot. "Budae" means "war", and "Jiggae" means "soup", so you're basically eating, "War Soup". As you can imagine because of the spam and macaroni, this came about during the Korean war and is a direct result of the rations provided by the American military. I have to say, it's pretty interesting, because it's sort of like diving for treasure. While we were eating it, I kept saying things to Gina like, "Here's a potato!", or, "Look, I got an Udon noodle!" Lots of processed meats, lots of vegetables, lots of processed starches. And, like almost everything else that's been served to me in Korea, lots of deliciousness, though the calorie count on this one was so high that I'm not likely to eat it again. But I'll try anything once. Except dog.

Which reminds me of a fascinating little tidbit. I ask my students questions at the beginning of each hour to encourage them to talk, and they're usually extraordinarily easy so as to be unintimidating, particularly for the kids who are at a very low level in speaking ability. A couple of weeks ago, I asked, "What is your favorite food?" I got a lot of standard answers, but one boy said, "Dog." I was surprised, because for most people, if they do eat dog, it's at specific times of the year, namely in the summer, as the dog meat is presumed to be energy-giving and beneficial in all sorts of non-medical but what-worked-for-our-ancestors-works-for-us traditional ways. It's also very expensive and difficult to come by in urbanized areas, so I was puzzled as to how this could be a favorite food. After grilling the boy for a while, I learned that when he visits his grandmother's house in the country, his uncle goes out and hunts wild dogs. I asked if he shot them, and he said absolutely not because that was illegal. (I since learned it's illegal to own a gun in Korea.) Instead, the uncle slits their throats. So, everytime he goes to his grandmother's house, they eat wild/stray dog soup. He said it's quite good, clearly, because it's his favorite food. Then, when I brought this up with Gina, she said traditionally, the dog would be caught, hung up, and beaten to death. Though this sounds incredibly inhumane, it was the best way to tenderize the meat. Apparently this doesn't happen much anymore since the majority of people don't even eat dog, and also more people see dogs as pets than as food nowadays. But this was all fascinating new information to me. In the midst of the answers of "pizza", and "spaghetti", and "ramen", and "dokh-poh-gee", I have to appreciate a country where a child can answer, "dog". This is why Korea is never boring.
These next photos are of a lunch I recently had with my gorgeous and incredibly kind yoga instructor, En-Jhung. I have a gym in the basement of my building (hello! convenient!) and met her on the day I joined. She has always been so incredibly gracious to me, apart from being a kick-butt yogi, and though we have a stark language barrier since I speak practically no Korean and she speaks only minimal English, we have some kind of connection anyway. It's hard for us to communicate, but we've both made it clear to each other that we enjoy each other's company. She is one of the many lights God has brought to me on this journey. We had ridiculously good mandu (Korean dumplings) a few weeks ago, and for this lunch we had the best galby (marinated beef barbeque) I've had since I got here. She brought her children who were both adorable and spoke some English, and we had a really nice time trying to communicate and stuffing ourselves. Oh my gosh... it was so good. I wish I could somehow convey with words how unbelievable so much of the food is here. I already know there will be days when I get back home that I will be driving around looking for a Korean food fix and will long for what I could get so easily here. Trust me, I am not taking it for granted. I just hope my deep appreciation will not be reflected in a 30 pound weight gain...

So in late August, I ended up going to Hong Kong for a whirlwind overnight trip to get my work visa. Hour and a half bus ride to the airport, hours waiting at the airport, 2 hour flight to China, hour and a half ride to my hotel, then walk to the embassy, walk back, repeat the next day. All of this on 4 hours of sleep the first day. I can't say it was glamorous, and though I really just wanted to stay in my hotel room watching English television (I don't have tv) and didn't really want to go outside into the 90+ degree heat with 100% humidity again, I kept thinking, "It's China. When will I be here again? Gotta try and take some pictures and experience the culture." And, to be quite frank, I was unimpressed. I was staying in the business district, and after having read so much Chinese literature, and watching "The Joy Luck Club" about 200 times, my expectations for China were pretty high, but what I found there was disappointing even if I hadn't expected anything. It's just a big city with big buildings and lots of foreigners. Yes, there's another Starbucks. Oh, look, a McDonalds! And apart from the American influence, there was the influence of big business and globalization everywhere. A little boring, and more than a little depressing. This is not the China of my dreams - in fact, I struggled to find a Chinese restaurant. There was an English pub, a Mexican food place, a gym with the word "California" in the title. There were plenty of Chinese street vendors, but I couldn't find a place to sit down for something that seemed "really Chinese". I was hoping to get dumplings, and found a place that served them. There was a newspaper clipping on the front saying the food was really good, there were full tables inside (usually a good sign) and my expectations were rising. But when I ate them, all I could think was, "These are better in Korea." There was too much onion in them, they were too "one note", and I think I'm so used to all the Korean side dishes I'm served all the time, I felt a little deprived of color and interest.

And I ate them after spending a sweaty afternoon walking around taking pictures, two of which were of strip clubs. This is the thing that breaks my heart about Asia, is that prostitution and degradation of women is so prevalent. Even in my neighborhood, there are a myriad of places with spinning barbor poles out front, which means there is prostitution inside. Though the strip joints here in Hong Kong were far more overt than what you would see in Korea, it's still all the same business, and it's still everywhere. And it's not in a back alley. These establishments were right behind my hotel, in the middle of the business district, a block from Starbucks and right next to a Mexican food restaurant. There's no hiding it here. Sex is for sale, and it's hard to pretend that that's not one of the main reasons so many foreign men are here. It's certainly not as bad a vibe as, say, Phnom Phen in Cambodia - at least the women here are all adults - but it still casts a dark pall on this experience, and you can't help but wonder, "What can I do to change this?"

These last two pictures are of the lone traveler trying to be silly with her camera in her hotel room. Alone. Kind of sad in retrospect, but I was trying to bring you all there with me! When I first got there, I was excited. And the bus ride into town was really beautiful, because the touchdown and the ride both really displayed how beautiful this country is - so much water, so much green, such a beautifully positioned bit of the world. But then as the bus started pulling into Hong Kong, the greenery abated and gave way to massive buildings, trash, areas of poverty, areas of opulence, honking horns... the usual. I pretend to be shocked by the view from my window, but I really was just pretending. It was thrilling to be in Hong Kong because, heck, it was Hong Kong! But I really wanted to get back to what now feels like My Korea, in particular My Neighborhood and My Life. If nothing else, the black big city-ness of Hong Kong made me appreciate even more my humble little place in what is fast becoming my beloved Korea.

A Bathhouse, a New Guitar, and Seoul Reflections

Well, I have to apologize for having been so long in posting. Once my work officially began at my hogwan, I've found there isn't a whole lot of time for other things, especially now that Summer Intensive schedule has begun, which is just about as "intensive" as a schedule can get, I think, but it really is great. I actually love the fact that I am teaching ALL the time with no down time, because it makes the day go much more quickly, however tomorrow will be my first day of 8 teaching hours. That is a very long time, particularly on the vocal chords and the feet since it's 8 different classes, and I have to be very "on" for the kids. But I'm sure I will survive. If the Korean teachers can do it, this American teacher can, too!

I thought I might start with telling you about my bathhouse experience. Now, I realize that the term "bathhouse" has some seriously lewd connotations in the United States, and maybe everywhere else in the world for all I know, so let's refer to it as a jimjibang from now on. As far as I can tell, the jimjibang is a very Korean institution, and in every neighborhood everywhere in Korea, you will find them. For about $10 or less, you can spend the day or the evening at one of these places, usually open 24 hours (they even have sleeping rooms), and go in and out of therapeutic pools and sauna rooms, and pay a little extra for a massage or a body scrub. I went for the first time with Gina, my Korean friend, and will tell you about my experience. I will preface by saying that as always with Gina, I feel so fortunate to experience everything the Korean way, rather than the foreigner way. It's always so much more interesting to experience things like a local, and I'm so grateful that she's always excited to see things through my eyes.

So, we went when she got off of work, which was around 11pm, and only had to walk about two blocks to get to the nearest and biggest jimjibang in our neighborhood - I had never even known it was there! It was on the 7th and top floor of one of the buildings here, and when we entered we paid entry, took some towels and t-shirts and shorts from the front room, then went into the women's area. There we got our lockers, and disrobed. They don't do bathing suits at the jimjibang. It's "all natural". We took a towel and some one-use soap things you can pay for in the locker area, and we entered the pool/sauna area. These are women-only and men-only - intermingling between the sexes is only done in the communal areas and all wear t-shirts and shorts. We showered, then we sampled the pools. One was made entirely of wood, one was filled with Chinese herbs, all were of varying temperatures, some hot and some very cold. There were three different saunas, three different temperatures and styles. One was I guess a European sauna, with wood paneling, charcoal steam. Another had minerals completely covering the walls, and they were formed into beautiful murals. Gina said it was meant to be reminiscent of the inside of a cave. This one was by far the most sweat-inducing because it was very humid. The steam wasn't coming from a natural source, but was pumped in every few minutes and was very, very hot. The third was mud and wood, old school Korean. Gina said it reminded her of her grandmother's. I loved the pools, I loved the sauna.

I also loved our snack in the communal area of traditional jimjibang food - we had smoked eggs and this health drink that is thick and blended and tasted like the leftover milk in your bowl after you've eaten cereal. The smoked eggs were brown on the inside, but tasted quite good. The drink was delicious.

The plan then was to go to sleep, get the body scrub in the morning, and then go to work. With our t-shirts and shorts on, we went to the communal sleeping room, and laid down on the hardwood floor with very thin mats and little blocks to use as pillows. I was thinking, "I can do this... I can do this." We laid down, and after about 10 minutes, I thought, "I can't do this. I am not Korean enough for this." It was very hot. It was super loud - we had laid down near the only window and it was right by a freeway overpass. My hair was wet and I wanted a shower. I do not know how to sleep on a block. I tried for 2 more hours, and then at 3am I told Gina I had to go home. We had work the next morning, and I knew if I got no sleep, I would be miserable. So, I went home and slept, and all was well. Jimjibang's are lovely things, and I will definitely go back (I want that body scrub!) but I can't imagine that I will ever sleep in one.

Here is my newest toy! My guitar, handmade in Korea... well, maybe not "hand"made, but made nonetheless! Just got it today in Nagwon Arcade in Seoul, which you will see pictures of below. It is nearly impossible to find without some very good guidance because there's no signage anywhere. I found another blogger's site this morning VERY helpful as he gave step-by-step directions. This place has every musical instrument and accessory you can imagine, and it was really fun just to walk around. I couldn't help thinking how much my dad would love it, so I wanted to try and take enough pictures for him to experience it. Sadly, the pictures don't really do it justice, but I did try. And I am thrilled to have my guitar, and am thrilled at the approximately $120 price tag. (Thanks also to the bloggers who said to haggle! The gentleman at the story gave me an asking price of $200.)

Little bit of Konglish in the sign - "Close" until 11am. I was a super early riser this morning, and it's safe to say I beat the rush! I was there by 10:45am. You'll notice there are very few people in these pictures.

This is the little alleyway the web directions said to look for, then to go up the stairs. Thanks again for those step-by-step directions, mystery blog dude!

Yay for new friends! This is Pamela and Adam, and they're posing with me on the bridge crossing over to Suwon Station, which has a big mall. That night we ate dinner at Outback Steakhouse which is a large chain over here, though the menu is very different. And very expensive! I ordered a $25 ribeye that night that was probably 1/2 the size of an American Outback steak. But I still enjoyed every bite of it!
Pamela playing what appears to be a wicked game of Tetris at Suwon Station's arcade. It was massive, and this was one of the cheapy machines in the "old and ancient games" section.

These are some images from a night out with Gina in Seoul a few weeks back. Seoul is a magical mix of flashing lights that is just dense with people, particularly on a Friday night. Since Gina wanted to take me to see the nightlife, I noticed that every American I saw in this environment was loud and rude and drunk. I'm sure that can't be true of every American, but I just wish there would be some rowdy and obnoxious Swede, or something. I suppose that's less likely since there aren't a whole lot of Swedish army bases nearby. There's an area there called Itaewon where all the foreigners hang out, and without getting too deeply into it, it was pretty depressing. I have an even greater appreciation now for my city, which is not a small town by any means, but is small enough and far enough away from Seoul to be unsullied, yet close enough to be modern. Anyway, I digress...

Tarot card reader on the sidewalk. There are quite a few of them, and Gina tried to convince me to get a reading, but I have no interest in it. They can be had for about $3 to $5.

Both of these pictures are of a beautiful creek that runs for at least 2 miles right through Seoul. You can see that it's sort of "sunken", and is like a reprieve from the hustle and bustle. Gina told me the whole story of it's history, but since I can't remember every detail I don't want to embarrass myself. But, look! Pretty pictures! Anyway, we walked along this creek and talked for probably an hour and a half, and it was wonderful.

I wanted a picture of myself along one of these streets. I don't remember what section of Seoul we were in, but the streets were so narrow that they're now just for foot traffic and street vendors, and something about it seemed both majestic and quaint to me. You can see in this picture how bright everything is all the time from the signs - I think it was about midnight when we took this picture.

This is Gina ordering a couple of chicken skewers for us which are very popular street food here. You can usually order them in degrees of spiciness, and I've discovered that I like them at maximum spice. This particular vendor was very, very popular, and after having a skewer I could see why. Quite good.

So, I will begin this post with a toilet. Why not? This is one of those squatting toilets that is actually not too common here (at least in my experience) but when I encountered one in the Seoul subway, I had to document it. It was a beautiful and very clean bathroom, by the way, and I would imagine that this is a very convenient way to do one's business, apart from the potential of making a mess of one's shoes. Sorry to be graphic, but it's the nature of things. Anyway, when one thinks "subway bathroom", one thinks, "Oh, at all costs, go somewhere else," but in reality, most things in Korea are well-kept, if not "clean" by American standards. I mean that in the sense that people buy a lot of products to ensure that no germ will ever touch them, and I don't think people care overly much about that here. And it's the strangest thing, but everyone washes their hands, yet there is nothing to dry them off with. I had no idea what to do until I witnessed other women in the bathroom, and they have this sort of brilliant way of shaking their hands mostly dry, and then walking out like doctors about to perform surgery. I can't get used to it, though. And you can't ever rely on there being toilet paper in the bathroom. For whatever reason, that's considered "up to you" to figure out. So at work, I have a stash of toilet paper, and now carry tissues with me. Most restaurants and other public places will give you toilet paper upon request before going to the bathroom. They are very frugal with paper products here. Is it to protect the environment??? I need to ask Gina about that one...

But I have yet to see a trace of vandalism, or of anyone running off somewhere looking guilty. There are actually a lot of free-standing nautilus-type gym devices in the parks all around here, and in America, those things would be vandalised within minutes. Here, in Korea, they're available for anyone to use 24/7, and they're always in beautiful condition. It's very interesting.

Okay, but the rest of this blog is devoted to what happens before the squatting toilet. Yes, I'm referring to food!


This is my gorgeous and very dear friend Gina (whose Korean name I still can't pronounce or remember) who has been the greatest friend to me since I got here. Her English is impeccable, and she's travelled all over the world, so she knows what it feels like to be a stranger in a foreign place. She has been my "culinary sage" and a good friend. She's always game to take me to a eat something new, and she's very good at picking great places. This is a picture of us at one of the least adventurous places we've been to. We're eating what the Chinese call "black noodles", and this is the Korean version. It has some kind of bean paste, and it's mixed with this delicious fat, chewy noodle. It was a very good lunch, and Gina said this is the "Korean McDonald's" because it's so cheap (probably about $2.50 usd) and it's very filling. And it was delicious.



This, is the monolithic, 4 stories of everything you could ever possibly buy, "Home Plus". Apparently it's a British chain, and they're all over South Korea. This shot is taken from the bridge I cross from my apartment to get to "Home Plus". The best way I can describe it is 4 levels of 4 completely different Wal-Marts. I guess Wal-Mart actually tried to get into South Korea, but they were given the big fat "no". Probably because this place is so huge, so convenient, and so ubiquitous, Wal-Mart wouldn't stand a chance. Bottom floor is a food mart, with everything from "Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf" to little dumplings and other Korean things that I don't recognize or understand yet. It's a world of smells down there, let me tell you.

These pictures are from the second floor which is the grocery department. It is massive and stocked with every pre-made thing you can imagine, mostly Korean, but lots of foreign/American things, too, but in the back of the store is all of the fresh stuff, including a bakery, a huge produce section, a huge fish section, a pork section, a beef section, a kimchi section... It's seriously insane. What I tried to capture here (and it was a little embarrassing - imagine going to Albertson's and seeing a tourist taking pictures of the produce) was the stuff that is so unlike a typical American grocery. I took pictures of things that I cannot identify. There are plenty of things in this department that I CAN identify, and those are the things I purchase. The rest I steer clear of out of sheer ignorance, not for lack of curiousity! Obviously I'm curious if I'm taking pictures.

This is something I absolutely adore here (and so does pretty much everyone else!) called "tdock-boh-kee", and I've no doubt killed the pronunciation. Anyway, I was thrilled that she happened to be making a batch when I walked by. You can see the finished product in the tray on the right, and basically what it is is rice finely ground and formed into a long sausage-like form, then sliced into scallop-sized pieces. It's then boiled, you can see her putting those pieces into the water, and possibly seared in a pan, then drenched in this amazingly spicy, incredibly delicious sauce. It's so wonderfully chewy, and the sauce is very hot and thick and flavorful. It's a favorite with adults and kids because it's just flat-out good. You can get it here, but you can also get it at many street vendors.

So, those of you who know me well know that I am a bit of a foodie, and nothing scares me. Though I'm no Anthony Bourdain and have never eaten the eyeballs and brains of a goat's head, I told myself before coming to Korea, "I'll try anything but dog," because in my naivete I thought dog would be sold everywhere and I'd have to do my best to avoid it. I've learned since coming here that although dog is eaten, it's usually in hidden, specialized restaurants, and not everyone does it. Some are staunchly opposed to it, while others have the belief that eating dog, especially during the hottest days of the summer, increases vitality and refreshes the body. It's usually served "family style" and you have to buy the entire dog, so you get the dog soup - which is quite pricey - and everyone eats it together. I've heard more men are "into it" than women are, and so far the only people who've told me they regularly enjoy it are men. I'm still relatively naive on the subject, though, having only been here a little less than a month.


Anyway, in my attempt to be fearless, and out of a desire to make something different than my usual ramen noodles and salad, I purchased a seafood and meat stew which is handpacked by the seafood department. It had clams, mussels, 3 baby octopus with their little round heads attached, 2 shrimp with all body parts attached, some kind of sea-dwelling creature that looked like a snail but wasn't, a little bit of beef, some zucchini, leeks, onions, cabbage, rice noodles, and two different sauces. It was also discounted, so I figured that was a good sign for one as poor as I. It was a monsoon day of rain, and I figured what better day for stew?

This is a picture of my absolute confidence that though I can't read the directions, I can still conquer the stew. How could it be that hard? Throw it all in a pot with the flavorings and see what happens. This next picture shows how incredibly short everything is in my apartment compared to me. Literally, my back hurts after cooking or doing dishes from having to hunch over like quasimodo. It's still worth it, though, to see what I can manage to do with my 2 hotplates, and no microwave. Or oven.


The rest of the pictures show you the stew on the boil, the presentation of my little meal, and the aftermath. The verdict? I don't like eating things with heads. I've always really liked octopus, and I tried one of the heads, but I really didn't enjoy it. The second octopus I decapitated, and the third octopus I threw away. I am ashamed to admit that though a lover of shrimp, I took no joy in removing it's head, antenna and little beady black eyes and all, and it robbed me of some of the joy of eating it. As for the snail-like sea-dweller, it was actually pretty tasty, but I was bothered that I didn't know what it was. The outside meat was white, and then when the rest is pulled out, it's partial brown meat, like the inside of a crab or a lobster. Its brothers are still residing in my refrigerator. I'm still deliberating as to whether I try them again or just be done with them. I was most excited by the mussels, the clams, and the beef. And am now, I find, just another squeamish American. But, I did think the seasonings were pretty drab. So maybe it's not all my fault. Take that, "Home Plus"! And I DID like the pig intestines filled with rice, so I think I'm still at least a little bit Korean.